God. It's been too long. Way too long. I've been meaning to pay more attention to this the past few months but I guess its taken something major...well kinda major to get me back on the blog. Sure, I've some spiritual development and changes, and I'll make note of those in time to come.
But for now I'll turn the spotlight on to Matt. I met Matt though Andrew's boyfriend, who met him in the app world last November. He thought I might like him, so he sent Matt my number and we started talking last Monday. We talked for 6 hours that night, 4 hours the next. He then came up to see me and stayed Thursday through Saturday morning. I really like the guy. He is super sweet and friendly. Visually he is exactly what I go for, I mean. Wow. Really. I get this faint sense that I should already know him, or have known him longer than a week. He's a great kisser too and the sexual chemistry is very promising. At the moment the only real downfall (just a small detail I forgot to mention) is that he lives down south. Yup, I've fallen for another out of towner. Out of my string of dating and relationships this would make my 5th attempt for love and relationship outside of Bakersfield. I wasn't really looking for it, and I haven't been for awhile. But those two days were a breath of fresh air. Apparently he even expressed to Sandra that he's super into me. Then what the fuck am I worried about?
Sigh. Maybe its been because we were both working since yesterday, and as usual I'm reading way more into the dark side than what I should. I mean do I have anything to really go off of? Okay-we didn't talk tonight. Big deal. Hardly an indicator that this thing is already going south. Am I really that insecure? Is the answer that obvious? Sigh. A friend gave me the advice saying since this is so new to just have fun and don't put expectations on it: just go with it. Its sound advice, why can't I just go with it? I don't mean to put expectations on it. I just hate this feeling of depression and anxiety that this thing is just going to die off tomorrow. In a way its like I'm facing my fear that I mentioned last fall: I'm deeply afraid of getting burned again and I just don't want to.
All I want in the morning is to wake up and look at my phone and have a text message from him that says something along the lings "morning handsome" and then just now that for now all is okay. But for the moment I've done all I can: I've done some deep breathing, meditating, and prayer for continued healing, and for the mercy that if this is going to end that it would be done so gently because I believe my heart could not take it.
It just comes down to this. I REALLY like this guy. I could see it going somewhere. I don't want my fears to get in the way of something developing out of it nor with my well-being while something develops. I could be right in my fear, this could just end tomorrow and oh well. But I have no reason other than fear.
This reminds me of Tim's sermon today. Today was the day celebrated for the Transfiguration, where Jesus' glory is manifested fully to John and Peter on the mountain top. Tim points out that Jesus' first attempt to reveal his glory to the disciples was when he walked on water while the disciples where in the boat after the feeding of the 5000. Jesus tells Peter to fear not and come on out, but the writer of the gospel points out that Peter did not start to sink into the water because of his lack of faith, but his fear. He started to sink because of his fear. Sounding familiar.
I've done all I can. I've given it to God and asked for healing and some sanity for the night. I feel better.
