Well, here we are. Third day in Canterbury. I'll writing in my more personal blog because at the moment I'm not sure whats going on inside me. I've intended to write every few days and keep a constant reflection going, but that obviously hasn't happened.
Truth be told, for some reason I'm feeling the bluntness of being single. I don't know why. No clue. At the moment I'm pretty tired and hungry and just overall feelling weighed down by something in my heart and my throat. Well, I think it may related to being single, that's what it normally is. It could be something else and maybe through writing I'll uncover something.
Maybe for some reason I actually expected something to happen. I know, its stupid and I hope to God that no one I know actually reads this thing. I guess, I have a thing for my CouchSurfing host Mark. He's a gay priest here in Canterbury. Now, truth be told I have not been looking for anything since I've been in Europe. I mean, yeah I made out with a guy in Paris and hooked up with another guy but I haven't been looking for or expecting something cliche and serious to come about from my travels so far. I guess that it would make sense that that singleness "plauge" which still seems to plauge the back of my mind would pop its ugly head in. Priest, pretty cute, gay. IF that turned int something then that would be super cliche, but super cool. But if I'm honest with myself I have to acknowledge that I've only met this guy yesterday.
I guess maybe I had hoped for a further healing during this trip like what I had back in San Francisco. The kind of healing where God gives me a big boost and I am just that much closer to being a more whole person, created in God's image and living and thriving as I ought to me. I still believe that this could happen. I also acknowledge that much of my healing this year has been over a period of time, learning to trust in God in ways I've never had to before and acknowledge God's presence within me, esspecailly in moments like this.
Getting this out feels better.
So what triggered? I think it might be the fact that Tessa invited me to a movie tonight. I told her I might be at St. Dunstan's tonight and she said we could go after. I guess I had hopped that Mark might join us when I brought it up.
Ugh. I feel so neurotic. Really. It's pathetic. At times I wonder if there actually anyone else in the world who has these moments or if its really just me. At the same time, I need to realize that I need to be gentle with myself and let God be gentle with me.
What does being gentle mean? I don't know. Just acklowledging that I am human, frail at times, and that I can only rely on God's grace to become whole.
Well, I told Tessa I would see her at the healing service at St. Dunstan's. Mark will be preaching and presiding. I almost wonder if I should go now. Possible conflict of interest on my end, you know, having a tiny crush on my host. However, the more I write and think the more my mind is clear and that reality is that it is just a minor crush, flighting infactuation resulting from the fact that I've been intimately attention starved for so long and now instead of looking to be a relationship "savior" I'm looking to be saved. I'll go to the service. Who knows, I didn't plan on going to the Labyinth walk in SF and look what happened.
Through out this trip so far I think I've prayed most that I would find God present in the vulnerable. Maybe this is the next stage for something? I keep recalling from Lecto Divina last month that when Jesus is near, the demons will act out. Is that what is happening here? Are my demons getting rallied up because God is about to show up and do something awesome? Either way, I trust that everytime I sit in God's presence, or take Eucharist, or pray that I recieve the grace and mercy that I need, whether I feel it or not. And that will be my prayer for the remainder of my stay in Canterbury, until I felt moved to change my prayer focus.
