Prayer and wellness

Second post in a night. I know. But I have to get this out before I fall asleep and lose it all.

I was praying my (almost) nightly ritual of Compline. Normally this is set up as a confession of sin, reciting a portion of the Psalms, readings a passage from a devotional manual of some sort, meditating (Hesychasm/Jesus Prayer), verbal/mental/vocal prayer, the Lord's Prayer, and the night prayer of Julian of Norwich.

During meditating I heard the Spirit say, What are your desires? I moved off my meditation bench and got comfortable on the ground. I told God I wanted to loose weight. I want to live a healthy and long life. I want to have energy. Like many overweight people my self-esteem is tied to this issue. I just want to feel better about myself. I prayed for the motivation to make it happen. I prayed that in the meantime, I would be able to love myself as God loves me, and accepts me no matter what size I am.

I prayed about being in a relationship, or not being in one. So cheesy. But I told God that I want someone strong hearted and humorous, smart, a person with faith, and that I wouldn't complain if he came in with a rocking beard and bit of  body hair. I asked in the meantime that if God is extending the hand to have a closer relationship while I am single then I would extend back. I heard the Spirit say, Do you trust me? Do you really trust me? I dialogued. As if she was speaking through me, she said it cannot be rushed, don't go looking for the "one" and try to mold him into something that I have ready for you. Do you trust me? Do you really trust. I said yes, I trust and will wait.

I prayed about school. I feel like I've sinned this past month and have failed to be live up to my potential. School is the road if God is calling me to ordination. I prayed for the strength to finish strong this month. Some of this work load seems impossible. I prayed for the motivation to finish strong. I don't want do be a disappointment to myself. I'm my worst critic.

After a minute of silence, out of no where I drew my attention to Jesus. Jesus, you healed the sick, forgave the sinner, raised the dead back into life. Heal me! Heal me! You are the reconcile, the restorer, bring me back to that place where there is no baggage, where I am whole. Jesus, make me whole! Because right now all I've been doing is living and reliving in this pain and holding myself to these standard which I cannot attain to. All they did is leave me a mark of pain and I'm over it. And before I knew it I was crying. Stuffy nose, tears down my face. I haven't cried in over two years, and I haven't cried like that since 2009. Heal me, is all I could say. Take this from me because I cannot hold on to it anyway. Mend my heart because it has been broken for far too long! I trust! I trust! I trust!

From what I've read and heard, this sort of thing happens where you pray with the heart. The dialouge between the one who prays and the Spirit plays out in the words of the prayer. I admit, this is the sort of thing which I kind of used to experience back in my charismatic days. Could it all just be my mind letting out what it needs to let out via spiritual experience? Yes. But I guess this is where discernment comes in. If there is anything I learned from Susan Howatch is that not all spiritual experiences are legit, sometimes the mind does function in ways which make it seem legit. But for right now all I can do is trust. If God and I did have a true heart-to-heart, then without asking for it, there will be some confirmation that I am on the right track to wholeness.