It's been awhile. I'm hoping to get back on this this summer to keep my mind clear and my heart grounded. The past two summers have been the most unproductive summers of my life. Two common themes: insomnia and depression. Last summer was bad enough to where I didn't shake out of it until mid-way through the fall semester. All I did was work, sleep, and do a lot of nothing. The only perk I had was in July when we moved into St Paul's and I lost myself in chancel prancing, sacristy scouring, and lituristics, even that wore off after the first month. Point is, I don't want to experience that again. I want to sleep, I want to live. REALLY live. Now that the symphony season has ended and the gigs are at a slight halt I should in theory have time this summer to do some living. Finish up projects, go biking, hiking, beer tasting.
I feel so complete when I write. Its one of those instances where St Paul pops into my head asking why don't I do the things that are good for me? Great question, Paul. When I write the clutter in my head becomes so much more organized. Hopefully I will make this a weekly priority because updating this thing since the last update might be a bitch.
I've decided that I cannot go back to Bakersfield College. I just can't. In my off and on 10 year education plan I've learned what to do, what not to do, and what I can get away with. Unfortunately everything I shouldn't have done shows on my transcript and I've been paying the price for it. I'm only a few years from actually finishing the associates, but I have intents on grad school and there is just no way I can let this transcript follow me. That's the reason the world needs to know. The real reason is the fact that I'm over it. I'm over that college. I just can't do it anyone more and there is no way to say in any real detail. My gut just twists over the thought of going back. I need a fresh start. The plan is to enroll in Taft College next spring with two priorities in mind. One, I only took one year of foreign language in high school, so I need to take two semesters so I can get into a University. Two, I need to just bite the bullet and get stats out of the way. I'm teaching myself algebra this year so when it comes time to take the assessment test I should be able to test directly into stats. After that, the world is my oyster as far I see it.
There is this growing elephant in the room which needs to be addressed before the year is out. Last year my Grandma and I talked. She had offers from her kids to stay with them up in Redding or down in Pasadena. The plan was is that I would finish up at BC by next year and the move the house out. I'd start over on my own while she would be with family. Well, plans on my end have changed. I don't intend on finish my associates at Taft. I'm just going to take a few classes I need to get me by in the meantime then move to San Francisco. I've thought about it ever since I stayed up there last January. I'll either finish the associates at San Francisco City College, or go straight to CSUSF. It's about time I joined the billions of other students in debt to student loans anyway.
What is all comes down to is this: the past few years my life has felt so stagnant. I've grown very little, settled for very little, and have gotten very comfortable. I could spend hours beating myself up for the fact that I'm pushing 30 and in this situation, but the fact is I'm here and I need to get out and do something new. Deep down I feel I require so much self maintenance not so much because I'm the next Thomas Merton (runner up, maybe) but for the fact that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It's like I'm a car with a broken cylinder being nursed by a little bit of duct tape.
I had two new years resolutions this year. One, to drink more. Two, get out of town for a few days every few months. I haven't had the chance to do the latter and I'm hoping to in a few weeks. When I travel I feel free, free to take off the mask, take risks, and go about with wide eyes over the fact that I am where ever I am and it is completely new. This leads me to my next paragraph. I'm leaving the country for a month in November.
I'm leaving the country for a month in November.
It all started when I stayed at the Bridge Street Inn Hostel in Cambria. Well, lets back up. First of all, I'm sold on hosteling. A boyfriend of mine invited me to stay at Point Montara, 30 miles South of San Francisco. A light house hostel in 2010. It was three days of cliche. Hand in hand on the beach, crepes for breakfast, afternoon naps, swapping stories of damaging relationships, sunny skies, shrimp and wine for dinner, did I mention the crepes? The relationship didn't last (his first boyfriend, long distance, you know) but my intrigue of hostels stayed. I went back two years later and stayed so I could frequent San Francisco. I stayed at two more hostels in the city a year later (last January). How neat it would be, I thought to work at one of these places. The constant meeting of new people, hearing stories (like how my German friend's buddy got a DUI and was kicked out of the country), drinking with strangers, and knowing that you would be a direct impact on a persons travel experience. So, in Cambria I asked the workers what it was like. One guy was from Michigan who played guitar, the other was from Austrailia who played the digery-doo (I know I know...). They were volunteering at the hostel for a month as interns. I talked to the owner who found her interns through work-away, and organization where people can find work exchange for room and board situations. I was so exited by the idea with some much possibility. I ended up signing up for HelpX, a similar organization. I wanted to go to Ireland. I scored the site for all the hostels, homesteads, and farms that I could potentially work at. A month out of the country is all I would need. Turns out though upon further research that I need a work holiday visa, which would require me having $4000 in my bank account as proof to the Irish Embassy that I could make it in their country. So since then my plans have changed. I'm going to backpack it. A few days in Paris, a few days in Taize, take the train to London for a week, then up to Scotland, then over to Dublin. I might end up doing a whole blog specific to that trip. As of now, I'm barley going to make it happen. But I've got my heart so set on this trip that it HAS to happen. They say do it before your 30. This will be my precursor to leaving Bakersfield.
A year ago I was bitching about the woes of being single. Now, I can't see it any other way. On the upper hand of my situation I'm not tied down to this location on the planet. I don't have overwhelming responsibilities. Bakersfield hasn't been terrible to me. My church, the symphony, and my close friends have kept me relatively sane. Should I come back they will always be there. But for now, I'd rather show them off through story-telling in some place that just isn't here.
Spiritually, I'm doing okay. My Spiritual Director recommended me "The Great Work of your Life" by Stephen Cope. The books deals with finding a persons dharma (true work, vocation, calling ect) through the Gita while paring it with stories of well known people who found their Dharma, and people who were searching for it. In my situation I think I am starting to see that I don't have to maintain myself in order to "do" but can maintain myself by "doing". Its like for the first time in a long time I can see God walking with me. Not pushing me, not yelling at me to catch up, but actually present. At this point I am still not sure if I am called to serve as a priest. But I am excited to feel like I'm on a path to something even though I have no clue what the hell that is.
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