Here we go...

I've been tired lately. Very tired. No matter how much sleep I get my energy levels never really pick up during the day. It's like most of my gusto has been sucked out of me and my desires to get things done are at a minimum. Homework and music have been at a halt the past few days.

I've wondered if I have sleep apnea. In fact,  I've wondered if I've had it for awhile. It seems my sleep quality has significantly diminished the past few weeks. I know that I breathe with my mouth open. And, well, I know that my weight hasn't helped the situation either. There could be other things at play here. I could be depressed. I could just be overwhelmed. My emotions could just be in a funk. Hopefully maybe getting some of this out will help. After all, this is the reason why I started this blog in the first place.

I was lacking on energy on Wednesday and had to stay a bit after school and I knew I probably wouldn't be able to get to church to vest for Evening Prayer in time. So I let Martin know and decided to just attend and participate instead as a usual Reader. Being at St. Paul's I feel has brought Martin and I closer the past few months. We'd always catch each other at Starbucks in-between services at Grace and would always chat away about our preferances toward high church and the like. It seems that both of us have opened up to each other recently. In any case I'm very glad to call him a friend and a Brother in Christ. He's a nurse, teacher, studier of psychology, and gay. I figured he would be the perfect person to open about something I've been thinking about for awhile.

This is my outlet, but it is the internet and I won't divulge all the juicy details of the conversation. Sorry (even though the nature of the conversation is probably something which needs take place more publicly, but I'm not willing to be that ginny pig). It does involve how I perceive my self and my walk with God. The conversation did put things in perspective and it came to the one thing which I've been lead to over and over again this year: I have a low view of my self and beat my self up unnecessarily. And I don't know what to do about it.

There is a disconnect somewhere. It's hard to put in words. Let me try and put in a few frames. I view God as my comforter, caretaker, and friend. I'm running a marathon. God is always there to cheer me on and hand me water and tell me when I need to rest (sometimes I even listen...). If I trip or stumble, then it is no big deal. I carry on. If I absolutely cannot go on, then God is there help me walk to the car and drive me home. No judgement, no disappointment. This reality should be enough to carry me through. At times it is, even.

The other frame would look opposite to what I just said. Me running the same marathon and just pushing. If I rest too long then I'll fall behind. If I don't finish then I won't be able to prove whatever it is I'm trying to prove. If I don't make it, then I'm a failure. If I don't make it then my Ego begins to go crazy and in the end my Id slams back in full force and the Super Ego is nonexistent until both of said their say and in that period I've been able to find some rest. It's a pattern which has been cycling for years and with the help of therapy/spiritual direction I can see it clearly now.

 Kicking against the goads. The title of this blog. The ox being my true self. The being  God created me to be and to be loved. The Goad-Bearer, the false self; the projection of everything that I feel I should be, and the Goad, the manifestation of perhaps everything that I don't like about myself. I've never felt more like a Susan Howatch character.

I'm wondering if this my Id reacting. The constant need to rest. In the busy I've been facing there are perhaps things which I've been ignoring. Being single always gets easier when school starts. But then again I've never known how to take care of the "single" part of myself for the fact that I'm pretty sure its impossible. The needs which a relationship meets can't be met directly by anything else. Friendship meets some of the needs. God knows when I lack social interaction I can get pretty screwy (maybe volunteering a Pride tomorrow will be a good recharge). But the needs of sex, intimacy, and support of companionship can't be met any other way. Then again, culture is not on my side. Gay culture is more couple and family oriented than ever. If you are single then the stigmas of something being "wrong" are strongly attached. And it is Bakersfield where the battlefield for slim-pickings is already pretty fierce.Gay male culture is also highly sex charged. It's pretty much okay to go fuck crazy with whomever you can find ( as long as they aren't in committed relationship, of course. But Open Relationships seem to be making a strong come-back since the 70s). I on that end feel its just to keep it in my pants for reasons of spirituality, health, and reputation (although like every gay male I have a past. Then again, sex is a whole other blog post.

The problem with blogging or writing emotional at times is that it is too easy to get wrapped up in the moment and take on tunnel vision and its difficult to take a step back. So far I've thought about how I view God and what my reality is like. How does being single play in all this? I really don't know. I tend to fixate on it. Is this a major contributing source? Maybe. Maybe not.

I think the more important question is where is God in all this? I really don't know. Or better, where should God be in all this? Why am I not letting God in? And then I have to ask myself, this right here a reality, or this just me poking myself with the goad saying "be better!" I'd like to think that at this moment I feel very sincere and that in that sincerity I am asking the right questions.