Promises broken, promises made.

Okay. So here it goes...

I have anger issues. I'm not violent. I don't have a history of hurting people with words. I internalize it.
My whole life, or most of it, I've watched my Mother being anger. I've watch friends hold on to grudges. I made a conscious decision when I was a teenager that I never wanted to be like that. I never wanted to be consumed by anger held on that it makes me outwardly crazy. So I never was. To this day it takes a lot to get me seriously pissed off. For the most part if something gets my goat I'm able to not take it personally and rationalize the situation. I have to take time to process whatever happened and come to some conclusion that of whether or not I have a right to angry or as angry as I am, and decide whether or not to call the person out or to just let it go. I hate confrontation. Most of the time I just let it go. I don't exactly have a strong or interjective voice, or much of a backbone. So when I do have conflict of some sort I don't even know how to approach it. And the fact that the older I get the more introverted I have become has not helped.

Why does it matter? It's psychological. When the mind doesn't resolve something then it will built up and find its out way. I'm seeing now that I never dealt with my past anger and it is probably a major factor in why I am either depressed or become depressed very easily.

Like I said in an earlier post, I tend to not even get angry at God. Since then I have been more blunt with God. Has it helped? It's too early to tell. I don't expect some epiphany to come out of this blog but I'm going to do an exercise that my Spiritual Director taught me. This exercise isn't just about letting out anger but letting go anything which could remotely attached. Granted, these aren't intended to be read by the "recipients".But granted, this is the internet. But the likelihood of anyone coming across these is very low. At least I hope.

Letters to the exes.
Matt-Thank you for being the one. The one that I called myself "gay" with. We were young and ridiculous to think that we cold make it work. How naive I was! I have no doubt that you loved me. I'm sorry that I "pressured" you into being gay (well, you were). I just didn't know how to react. I haven't talked to you in so long. I'm happy for you and Bobby, you deserve it. Andrew and I want to visit Canada again someday. I hope you'll be around.

Joshua-What is there left to say? You know I will always have feeling for you. You were both my soul-mate and yet the man I should have never met. I know the reason for our meeting (at least the reasons on my end) and it was to shape me into the person I am now. I ask God why wasn't there any other way for me to deal with my shit outside of meeting you? Our "relationship" has caused me much pain, from being led on to the fuck-and-dump. I was vulnerable, and you left me damaged beyond what I could comprehend. But I have used you as a scapegoat for far too long. My insecurities and inability to find my happy ending is not your fault.I forgive you. You know that.  But for the most part, I wish you never kissed me and gave the invitation to date. You should also know that I wish you and Charlie the very best that life has to offer. Finish our story. If you don't, I will. 

Jason-We go and work at the same church yet we hardly talk. I wish we did. I'm super proud of you. You've worked with your disorder, lost a lot of weight, finished your degree and started teaching. You have a lot to offer. You need to get out there and make someone happy like you made me happy. You earned it. You deserve it.

Jonathan-You are the one that I wished ended differently, and by that I mean I wish it didn't end. Your faith, body type, life experience, and intelligence is exactly what I looked for in a man. I took a chance knowing that as your first boyfriend it probably wouldn't last. But I'm glad I did. You are exactly where you should be. Boston sounds great and I'm glad you've found someone. That being said, if we find ourselves single and in the same part of the county, you'll be hearing from me.

Joel-I should have known. I should have seen it coming. The last few months of our relationship were not seeming what they should seem. I was blind. I was afraid because I knew that it was coming to an end and I did not have it in me to acknowledge it. I was angry. I didn't know how to react. All I heard was what I had heard in prior break-ups. It wasn't me, it was you. I didn't want to hear it. And one of the few regrets I have in life was not looking back the last time I saw you. I saw you looking at me as I was getting out of the car. For some reason I thought by looking back I was giving you the "satisfaction". But now because I didn't look back one final time the last memory I have of you is worse that what it should be. I'm sorry.


My biggest "sin" in all of this was that I had a change to be the one to change the course. They were all right. It wasn't me, it really was them. And I should have been the one to call it and end it. And for that I must forgive myself and do better next time. I get this feeling, this feeling deep down that there will not be a next time. That the next one is the one. Maybe its hope, or false hope. Or maybe its intuition. But in the meantime I must continue to enforce the promises I've made to myself over the past year:

I will never have sex outside of a committed relationship again. I will take the time to distinguish my frustrations and stresses and find other ways to deal with them outside of sex.

I will never find myself in a situation as a rebound, or dating while I am in a potentially vulnerable state and can be taken advantage of (whether intended or not).

I will give to God all that I am able to while I am single.

I will never lead someone on. I will be honest and disengage before it is too late.Lest I cause heartbreak on someone like it has been caused on me.

I will not stalk exes. What's done is done. I am free and can choose to life freely.

I will try to learn to love myself as God loves me.

Disapointment.

So this week has been a road of recovery to a bit of anger to disappointment. On Tuesday I finally mustered up the energy and I did another overhaul on my room. I cleaned, dusted, organized and gave stuff away. It took about 5 hours and it was completely worth it. After I was done I lit some sage and prayed for new intentions, renewed energy, and the ability to be myself fully and completely. I slept 4 hours that night but woke up with my prayers answered. I feel the urge and need to pray has returned. I'm still behind in school, but my grades are still in the 90s and I've made a cut in the studying I need to do.

Well, I'll cut to the chase. I'm a little depressed. I was supposed to have a date tonight with a guy that I met at Pride.I felt rather slick how it all played out. I had seen him of Facebook through mutual friends. I saw him walking, so I left the church booth and just casually started walking parallel to him. We started talking and ended up trading numbers. I know next to nothing about him, but I can tell he's what I would go for. Cute, facial hair, community involved, and roughly around the same part of my path in life at the moment. It was looking forward to finally getting to know someone new face to face, rather than through text message and then setting a date. He let me know yesterday that he wasn't feeling well and needed to take some time to rest up. So, instead of letting my wacky emotions run a muck I'm taking it as is and leaving the ball in his court. What else can I do, ya know? At least that is what I'm telling myself. Its just disappointing. I even had my outfit picked out.

I'm doing my best to bring it all to God. The disappointment. I keep wanting to tell myself that it just shouldn't feel like a big a deal, that I'm obviously over reacting. But I think it is also a nasty combo of the fact that I've realized that this Sunday will be two years of me being single (only??) and that Josh and Charlie are finally getting married. So does this disappointment trigger other things that might not be resolved or are sensitive? Absolutely. And for that reason I shouldn't let that voice get the better of me. Still, it doesn't make it feel any better. What do I feel? I feel like I've been rejected, which is absolutely ridiculous. But I guess as soon as something makes a  wrong turn in the dating scene that's exactly how I feel. I take it personally. Which in this case there is no reason to. But at the same time I'll also myself to feel what I feel and try to dig around and ask "why?". In fact, the more I write about the better I feel. I guess the only thing left is the "what if". What if he doesn't reschedule? If I never hear back then he wasn't interested in the first place? Or he's just too busy? Those are thoughts I try not to dwell on, they won't do any good. If I never hear back then it might just be a bit awkward if I run into him. Let me put it like this: If this had been last year I would have already been trying for a reschedule. Desperate, right? So I do think that right there shows some growth and maturity on my end. Something to be proud of.

I think in the end it goes back to fear. Fear of what? I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. In this case it feels more than a fear of being alone. Its almost like I've been invalidated. Which, again, of course, is absurd. My first reaction is to take it personally and there is absolutely no reason to. Now the question is is this my heart or my head talking, or are two sides of my head bouncing around? Either way, I know better and at least I know better and I think I'm doing a good job at keeping it all in check.

All I can do is live, and let God in on all of it. I do believe as St, Paul says that our sufferings have been joined with Christ. Somehow in ways that I don't understand, God understands. And I truly believe that.

A recent conversation at church has had me thinking. The text at hand we were discussing was in Jeremiah. We were talking about how blunt the prophet speaks with God, and how conversations between Jews and God tends to be rather frank (in fact, if my memory serves correctly, I heard a sermon over this same text when I was in Canada many moons ago which was geared in this direction). Christians seem to have lost that frankness. From my understanding, the God in Judaism is seen as the God of the good and bad, and Satan's role is significantly different from that of the New Testament. I definitely remember getting the indoctrination when I was a kid that if something bad happened then it was most likely Satan's fault (an idea which I have long abandoned). I was always taught never to be angry with God. I grew up never questioning it like it just wasn't an option in my mental capacity. I can't recall ever wanting to be angry with God. Well, maybe once. Josh. After it ended with Josh, looking back I wanted to be pissed off with God. What was all that for? Was all that extended pain necessary?  It was then that I gave up on what I call "hallmark card" theology. You know, the cliche "everything happens for a reason". I couldn't find a reason for my pain, so I immediately adapted a "shit happens" theology, some things happen for a reason, most things don't, and somethings things that aren't supposed to happen do. I was a victim of the later. Something in the cosmos happened which wasn't supposed to and it happened to me (or so I thought). Looking back, I see the growth and potential which I accomplished. But it doesn't help the fact that I feel like I'm still recovering.

Now, could I go on an anger rant toward God? Yes. But that would not be fair toward God. I'd just be digging around for crappy things that have happened and I'd just let God have it. But, I am becoming aware that it is perfectly okay to tell God "this sucks, do something!" when and if I need to. Ugh. I just hate confrontation. Always have. I hate conflict. God knows. But if I can't tell the one person what exactly is on my heart, then what's the point? Just something to be aware of.

Here we go...

I've been tired lately. Very tired. No matter how much sleep I get my energy levels never really pick up during the day. It's like most of my gusto has been sucked out of me and my desires to get things done are at a minimum. Homework and music have been at a halt the past few days.

I've wondered if I have sleep apnea. In fact,  I've wondered if I've had it for awhile. It seems my sleep quality has significantly diminished the past few weeks. I know that I breathe with my mouth open. And, well, I know that my weight hasn't helped the situation either. There could be other things at play here. I could be depressed. I could just be overwhelmed. My emotions could just be in a funk. Hopefully maybe getting some of this out will help. After all, this is the reason why I started this blog in the first place.

I was lacking on energy on Wednesday and had to stay a bit after school and I knew I probably wouldn't be able to get to church to vest for Evening Prayer in time. So I let Martin know and decided to just attend and participate instead as a usual Reader. Being at St. Paul's I feel has brought Martin and I closer the past few months. We'd always catch each other at Starbucks in-between services at Grace and would always chat away about our preferances toward high church and the like. It seems that both of us have opened up to each other recently. In any case I'm very glad to call him a friend and a Brother in Christ. He's a nurse, teacher, studier of psychology, and gay. I figured he would be the perfect person to open about something I've been thinking about for awhile.

This is my outlet, but it is the internet and I won't divulge all the juicy details of the conversation. Sorry (even though the nature of the conversation is probably something which needs take place more publicly, but I'm not willing to be that ginny pig). It does involve how I perceive my self and my walk with God. The conversation did put things in perspective and it came to the one thing which I've been lead to over and over again this year: I have a low view of my self and beat my self up unnecessarily. And I don't know what to do about it.

There is a disconnect somewhere. It's hard to put in words. Let me try and put in a few frames. I view God as my comforter, caretaker, and friend. I'm running a marathon. God is always there to cheer me on and hand me water and tell me when I need to rest (sometimes I even listen...). If I trip or stumble, then it is no big deal. I carry on. If I absolutely cannot go on, then God is there help me walk to the car and drive me home. No judgement, no disappointment. This reality should be enough to carry me through. At times it is, even.

The other frame would look opposite to what I just said. Me running the same marathon and just pushing. If I rest too long then I'll fall behind. If I don't finish then I won't be able to prove whatever it is I'm trying to prove. If I don't make it, then I'm a failure. If I don't make it then my Ego begins to go crazy and in the end my Id slams back in full force and the Super Ego is nonexistent until both of said their say and in that period I've been able to find some rest. It's a pattern which has been cycling for years and with the help of therapy/spiritual direction I can see it clearly now.

 Kicking against the goads. The title of this blog. The ox being my true self. The being  God created me to be and to be loved. The Goad-Bearer, the false self; the projection of everything that I feel I should be, and the Goad, the manifestation of perhaps everything that I don't like about myself. I've never felt more like a Susan Howatch character.

I'm wondering if this my Id reacting. The constant need to rest. In the busy I've been facing there are perhaps things which I've been ignoring. Being single always gets easier when school starts. But then again I've never known how to take care of the "single" part of myself for the fact that I'm pretty sure its impossible. The needs which a relationship meets can't be met directly by anything else. Friendship meets some of the needs. God knows when I lack social interaction I can get pretty screwy (maybe volunteering a Pride tomorrow will be a good recharge). But the needs of sex, intimacy, and support of companionship can't be met any other way. Then again, culture is not on my side. Gay culture is more couple and family oriented than ever. If you are single then the stigmas of something being "wrong" are strongly attached. And it is Bakersfield where the battlefield for slim-pickings is already pretty fierce.Gay male culture is also highly sex charged. It's pretty much okay to go fuck crazy with whomever you can find ( as long as they aren't in committed relationship, of course. But Open Relationships seem to be making a strong come-back since the 70s). I on that end feel its just to keep it in my pants for reasons of spirituality, health, and reputation (although like every gay male I have a past. Then again, sex is a whole other blog post.

The problem with blogging or writing emotional at times is that it is too easy to get wrapped up in the moment and take on tunnel vision and its difficult to take a step back. So far I've thought about how I view God and what my reality is like. How does being single play in all this? I really don't know. I tend to fixate on it. Is this a major contributing source? Maybe. Maybe not.

I think the more important question is where is God in all this? I really don't know. Or better, where should God be in all this? Why am I not letting God in? And then I have to ask myself, this right here a reality, or this just me poking myself with the goad saying "be better!" I'd like to think that at this moment I feel very sincere and that in that sincerity I am asking the right questions.