Second post in a night. I know. But I have to get this out before I fall asleep and lose it all.
I was praying my (almost) nightly ritual of Compline. Normally this is set up as a confession of sin, reciting a portion of the Psalms, readings a passage from a devotional manual of some sort, meditating (Hesychasm/Jesus Prayer), verbal/mental/vocal prayer, the Lord's Prayer, and the night prayer of Julian of Norwich.
During meditating I heard the Spirit say, What are your desires? I moved off my meditation bench and got comfortable on the ground. I told God I wanted to loose weight. I want to live a healthy and long life. I want to have energy. Like many overweight people my self-esteem is tied to this issue. I just want to feel better about myself. I prayed for the motivation to make it happen. I prayed that in the meantime, I would be able to love myself as God loves me, and accepts me no matter what size I am.
I prayed about being in a relationship, or not being in one. So cheesy. But I told God that I want someone strong hearted and humorous, smart, a person with faith, and that I wouldn't complain if he came in with a rocking beard and bit of body hair. I asked in the meantime that if God is extending the hand to have a closer relationship while I am single then I would extend back. I heard the Spirit say, Do you trust me? Do you really trust me? I dialogued. As if she was speaking through me, she said it cannot be rushed, don't go looking for the "one" and try to mold him into something that I have ready for you. Do you trust me? Do you really trust. I said yes, I trust and will wait.
I prayed about school. I feel like I've sinned this past month and have failed to be live up to my potential. School is the road if God is calling me to ordination. I prayed for the strength to finish strong this month. Some of this work load seems impossible. I prayed for the motivation to finish strong. I don't want do be a disappointment to myself. I'm my worst critic.
After a minute of silence, out of no where I drew my attention to Jesus. Jesus, you healed the sick, forgave the sinner, raised the dead back into life. Heal me! Heal me! You are the reconcile, the restorer, bring me back to that place where there is no baggage, where I am whole. Jesus, make me whole! Because right now all I've been doing is living and reliving in this pain and holding myself to these standard which I cannot attain to. All they did is leave me a mark of pain and I'm over it. And before I knew it I was crying. Stuffy nose, tears down my face. I haven't cried in over two years, and I haven't cried like that since 2009. Heal me, is all I could say. Take this from me because I cannot hold on to it anyway. Mend my heart because it has been broken for far too long! I trust! I trust! I trust!
From what I've read and heard, this sort of thing happens where you pray with the heart. The dialouge between the one who prays and the Spirit plays out in the words of the prayer. I admit, this is the sort of thing which I kind of used to experience back in my charismatic days. Could it all just be my mind letting out what it needs to let out via spiritual experience? Yes. But I guess this is where discernment comes in. If there is anything I learned from Susan Howatch is that not all spiritual experiences are legit, sometimes the mind does function in ways which make it seem legit. But for right now all I can do is trust. If God and I did have a true heart-to-heart, then without asking for it, there will be some confirmation that I am on the right track to wholeness.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Promises broken, promises made.
Okay. So here it goes...
I have anger issues. I'm not violent. I don't have a history of hurting people with words. I internalize it.
My whole life, or most of it, I've watched my Mother being anger. I've watch friends hold on to grudges. I made a conscious decision when I was a teenager that I never wanted to be like that. I never wanted to be consumed by anger held on that it makes me outwardly crazy. So I never was. To this day it takes a lot to get me seriously pissed off. For the most part if something gets my goat I'm able to not take it personally and rationalize the situation. I have to take time to process whatever happened and come to some conclusion that of whether or not I have a right to angry or as angry as I am, and decide whether or not to call the person out or to just let it go. I hate confrontation. Most of the time I just let it go. I don't exactly have a strong or interjective voice, or much of a backbone. So when I do have conflict of some sort I don't even know how to approach it. And the fact that the older I get the more introverted I have become has not helped.
Why does it matter? It's psychological. When the mind doesn't resolve something then it will built up and find its out way. I'm seeing now that I never dealt with my past anger and it is probably a major factor in why I am either depressed or become depressed very easily.
Like I said in an earlier post, I tend to not even get angry at God. Since then I have been more blunt with God. Has it helped? It's too early to tell. I don't expect some epiphany to come out of this blog but I'm going to do an exercise that my Spiritual Director taught me. This exercise isn't just about letting out anger but letting go anything which could remotely attached. Granted, these aren't intended to be read by the "recipients".But granted, this is the internet. But the likelihood of anyone coming across these is very low. At least I hope.
Letters to the exes.
Matt-Thank you for being the one. The one that I called myself "gay" with. We were young and ridiculous to think that we cold make it work. How naive I was! I have no doubt that you loved me. I'm sorry that I "pressured" you into being gay (well, you were). I just didn't know how to react. I haven't talked to you in so long. I'm happy for you and Bobby, you deserve it. Andrew and I want to visit Canada again someday. I hope you'll be around.
Joshua-What is there left to say? You know I will always have feeling for you. You were both my soul-mate and yet the man I should have never met. I know the reason for our meeting (at least the reasons on my end) and it was to shape me into the person I am now. I ask God why wasn't there any other way for me to deal with my shit outside of meeting you? Our "relationship" has caused me much pain, from being led on to the fuck-and-dump. I was vulnerable, and you left me damaged beyond what I could comprehend. But I have used you as a scapegoat for far too long. My insecurities and inability to find my happy ending is not your fault.I forgive you. You know that. But for the most part, I wish you never kissed me and gave the invitation to date. You should also know that I wish you and Charlie the very best that life has to offer. Finish our story. If you don't, I will.
Jason-We go and work at the same church yet we hardly talk. I wish we did. I'm super proud of you. You've worked with your disorder, lost a lot of weight, finished your degree and started teaching. You have a lot to offer. You need to get out there and make someone happy like you made me happy. You earned it. You deserve it.
Jonathan-You are the one that I wished ended differently, and by that I mean I wish it didn't end. Your faith, body type, life experience, and intelligence is exactly what I looked for in a man. I took a chance knowing that as your first boyfriend it probably wouldn't last. But I'm glad I did. You are exactly where you should be. Boston sounds great and I'm glad you've found someone. That being said, if we find ourselves single and in the same part of the county, you'll be hearing from me.
Joel-I should have known. I should have seen it coming. The last few months of our relationship were not seeming what they should seem. I was blind. I was afraid because I knew that it was coming to an end and I did not have it in me to acknowledge it. I was angry. I didn't know how to react. All I heard was what I had heard in prior break-ups. It wasn't me, it was you. I didn't want to hear it. And one of the few regrets I have in life was not looking back the last time I saw you. I saw you looking at me as I was getting out of the car. For some reason I thought by looking back I was giving you the "satisfaction". But now because I didn't look back one final time the last memory I have of you is worse that what it should be. I'm sorry.
My biggest "sin" in all of this was that I had a change to be the one to change the course. They were all right. It wasn't me, it really was them. And I should have been the one to call it and end it. And for that I must forgive myself and do better next time. I get this feeling, this feeling deep down that there will not be a next time. That the next one is the one. Maybe its hope, or false hope. Or maybe its intuition. But in the meantime I must continue to enforce the promises I've made to myself over the past year:
I will never have sex outside of a committed relationship again. I will take the time to distinguish my frustrations and stresses and find other ways to deal with them outside of sex.
I will never find myself in a situation as a rebound, or dating while I am in a potentially vulnerable state and can be taken advantage of (whether intended or not).
I will give to God all that I am able to while I am single.
I will never lead someone on. I will be honest and disengage before it is too late.Lest I cause heartbreak on someone like it has been caused on me.
I will not stalk exes. What's done is done. I am free and can choose to life freely.
I will try to learn to love myself as God loves me.
I have anger issues. I'm not violent. I don't have a history of hurting people with words. I internalize it.
My whole life, or most of it, I've watched my Mother being anger. I've watch friends hold on to grudges. I made a conscious decision when I was a teenager that I never wanted to be like that. I never wanted to be consumed by anger held on that it makes me outwardly crazy. So I never was. To this day it takes a lot to get me seriously pissed off. For the most part if something gets my goat I'm able to not take it personally and rationalize the situation. I have to take time to process whatever happened and come to some conclusion that of whether or not I have a right to angry or as angry as I am, and decide whether or not to call the person out or to just let it go. I hate confrontation. Most of the time I just let it go. I don't exactly have a strong or interjective voice, or much of a backbone. So when I do have conflict of some sort I don't even know how to approach it. And the fact that the older I get the more introverted I have become has not helped.
Why does it matter? It's psychological. When the mind doesn't resolve something then it will built up and find its out way. I'm seeing now that I never dealt with my past anger and it is probably a major factor in why I am either depressed or become depressed very easily.
Like I said in an earlier post, I tend to not even get angry at God. Since then I have been more blunt with God. Has it helped? It's too early to tell. I don't expect some epiphany to come out of this blog but I'm going to do an exercise that my Spiritual Director taught me. This exercise isn't just about letting out anger but letting go anything which could remotely attached. Granted, these aren't intended to be read by the "recipients".But granted, this is the internet. But the likelihood of anyone coming across these is very low. At least I hope.
Letters to the exes.
Matt-Thank you for being the one. The one that I called myself "gay" with. We were young and ridiculous to think that we cold make it work. How naive I was! I have no doubt that you loved me. I'm sorry that I "pressured" you into being gay (well, you were). I just didn't know how to react. I haven't talked to you in so long. I'm happy for you and Bobby, you deserve it. Andrew and I want to visit Canada again someday. I hope you'll be around.
Joshua-What is there left to say? You know I will always have feeling for you. You were both my soul-mate and yet the man I should have never met. I know the reason for our meeting (at least the reasons on my end) and it was to shape me into the person I am now. I ask God why wasn't there any other way for me to deal with my shit outside of meeting you? Our "relationship" has caused me much pain, from being led on to the fuck-and-dump. I was vulnerable, and you left me damaged beyond what I could comprehend. But I have used you as a scapegoat for far too long. My insecurities and inability to find my happy ending is not your fault.I forgive you. You know that. But for the most part, I wish you never kissed me and gave the invitation to date. You should also know that I wish you and Charlie the very best that life has to offer. Finish our story. If you don't, I will.
Jason-We go and work at the same church yet we hardly talk. I wish we did. I'm super proud of you. You've worked with your disorder, lost a lot of weight, finished your degree and started teaching. You have a lot to offer. You need to get out there and make someone happy like you made me happy. You earned it. You deserve it.
Jonathan-You are the one that I wished ended differently, and by that I mean I wish it didn't end. Your faith, body type, life experience, and intelligence is exactly what I looked for in a man. I took a chance knowing that as your first boyfriend it probably wouldn't last. But I'm glad I did. You are exactly where you should be. Boston sounds great and I'm glad you've found someone. That being said, if we find ourselves single and in the same part of the county, you'll be hearing from me.
Joel-I should have known. I should have seen it coming. The last few months of our relationship were not seeming what they should seem. I was blind. I was afraid because I knew that it was coming to an end and I did not have it in me to acknowledge it. I was angry. I didn't know how to react. All I heard was what I had heard in prior break-ups. It wasn't me, it was you. I didn't want to hear it. And one of the few regrets I have in life was not looking back the last time I saw you. I saw you looking at me as I was getting out of the car. For some reason I thought by looking back I was giving you the "satisfaction". But now because I didn't look back one final time the last memory I have of you is worse that what it should be. I'm sorry.
My biggest "sin" in all of this was that I had a change to be the one to change the course. They were all right. It wasn't me, it really was them. And I should have been the one to call it and end it. And for that I must forgive myself and do better next time. I get this feeling, this feeling deep down that there will not be a next time. That the next one is the one. Maybe its hope, or false hope. Or maybe its intuition. But in the meantime I must continue to enforce the promises I've made to myself over the past year:
I will never have sex outside of a committed relationship again. I will take the time to distinguish my frustrations and stresses and find other ways to deal with them outside of sex.
I will never find myself in a situation as a rebound, or dating while I am in a potentially vulnerable state and can be taken advantage of (whether intended or not).
I will give to God all that I am able to while I am single.
I will never lead someone on. I will be honest and disengage before it is too late.Lest I cause heartbreak on someone like it has been caused on me.
I will not stalk exes. What's done is done. I am free and can choose to life freely.
I will try to learn to love myself as God loves me.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Ugh
Okay. I'm super behind in school. I'm super behind in Math and English. The amount of reading I have to catch up on is super intimidating. At least I had a strong A in the class, and I know I can pull it together and finish strong. Math on the other hand. Ugh. UGH. I have a paper in Sociology that I need to have finished this week so I can have it proof read. Topic: Social influences in the Protestant Reformation. I wish I could change it. There is so much research out there and I'm almost half way through the paper and I STILL don't know where actually the paper is going. Top it off I have a concert this week. Luckily, I was able to practice before and I don't have to cram practice like I did last time (last time was right in the middle of the semester and I was already burnt out). And my sleep habits have just been off the wall. How I'll fall asleep and be able to get up for Morning Prayer will be a miracle.
And I just found out that my car needs a $900 repair, half the value of the car.
What do I need this week?
A regular sleep pattern
to get my fiances clear and in order
strong motivation.
to overcome the fear of failing
Lord, have mercy on your humbly stressed servant
And I just found out that my car needs a $900 repair, half the value of the car.
What do I need this week?
A regular sleep pattern
to get my fiances clear and in order
strong motivation.
to overcome the fear of failing
Lord, have mercy on your humbly stressed servant
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